What is it about your mid 30s?
My friend thinks it all because we are peaking. As in we have finally begun to feel comfortable in our own skin and so all opportunities and future possibilities are laid bare meaning we are at our best. I think that’s a whole other post in itself, but it may go someway to explain why I’m snapping up black lace tops that my boobs don’t even fit in. So as I said – a whole other post.
I think it’s biology. Or evolutionary. Or maybe even genetics. And at the very least, hormonal.
For a woman, if you’ve not had a baby by a certain age, I don’t feel there’s a clock of impending ticking, but maybe your brain starts to wonder what the hell it’s meant to be doing with itself.
Having a child gives you a purpose. A ‘raison d’être’ as you prioritise another person’s happiness, health and well being over yours for the rest of your life. So, if your mind and body are geared up for that, but it never comes (out of choice or otherwise) is it at all surprising that women of a certain age (ahem) are left craving a sense of meaning or struggling to decide what mark they want to leave on the world.
Regardless, it’s definitely about a sense of mortality. Something that no doubt is automatically bestowed on you when you become a parent, but maybe also a feeling you can’t shake off when you lose someone close to you.
Now of course, this could be wholly personal and circumstantial, but the more women I talk to about it, the more I find kindred spirits. I’m not pinpointing an age here and of course I’m generalising massively, but it is definitely a thing. Although I feel I must say at this point, there are plenty of ladies I know who know exactly what they want out of life and are slaying it. But what about the rest of us?
I’m feeling like I’m at a crossroads, but without any actual options in front of me, or even a decision that needs to be made. I’ve always known what I wanted in life, or in some cases, what I definitely don’t want. But, for the last few months, I’ve not had a clue what my future might look like.
I must take a moment here to acknowledge how privileged I am to be in a position to even have options. Some of that is pure luck, some has been bloody hard work (as well as my parents’ hard work) and a lot is having an amazing support network.
In an effort to help, one of my friends asked me if there were no restrictions, no barriers, what would I do. I’d never thought about that before. Why would I? Why would anyone? It’s the ‘What would you do if you won the lottery’ conversation. It’s almost too delicious to think about and it’s always depressing afterwards; like eating a too big slice of chocolate fudge cake.
Still, I did think about it. Not for long mind. It isn’t about weighing up all the pros and cons before you commit the idea to spoken word. It’s about saying what you really, truly want.
I was a bit surprised with my answer, but once it was vocalised, it was out there. Which means it’s still buried away, glowing quietly in the back of my head.
If you are feeling some of the stuff I’ve talked about, whether you’re a mother, or married or in the best job you’ve had; I urge you to try it for yourself. Your answer might not be what you were expecting…